Last summer a colleague and I were chatting about life with kids. His baby was approaching a year old and he mentioned that his wife was starting to feel pressure to wean, despite not feeling ready. I assured him that my kids were nowhere near ready to wean at that age either. Then came an innocent question that struck me like a bolt of lightning: “how old were your kids when they weaned?”
My kids were 5 and 3. Both of them were still breastfeeding.
I usually have no trouble causally mentioning that both of my kids were still nursing past age 2, 3, and 4. I’m surrounded by many amazing parents who support full-term breastfeeding. This time felt a bit different because it was a colleague. We hadn’t talked in-depth about our parenting philosophies. I felt like I had a professional reputation to uphold, which would be destroyed if I revealed that I was secretly some kind of weird hippie who breastfed her kindergartener (true), makes everything out of hemp, lives in a commune, and brushes her teeth with clay (all false).
I mumbled something about weaning around age 4 and changed the subject. Later that day I googled, “breastfeeding a 5 year old.” The result was several “freak show” style stories about mothers breastfeeding older kids, with the titles and articles explicitly or implicitly questioning whether it was healthy or normal practice, and whether the children would be scarred. Noticeably absent were stories from mothers themselves who continued to nurse their children beyond infancy and toddlerhood. So, I decided to “come out” with my own story of breastfeeding my child she weaned herself.
Preparing to breastfeed
Before my daughter was born, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I also prepared to breastfeed. I took a breastfeeding class. My wonderful sister-in-law, who had given birth to her first child just a few months earlier, had given me a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, which I devoured. An anecdote in the book was about a 10-month-old baby who abruptly stopped nursing. The mother tried a variety of tactics to get the baby to nurse again, and succeeded. The baby then went on to nurse for another two years before weaning just before his third birthday. When I read this story as the mother of a newborn, I was confused. Breastfeeding for nearly a year seemed like a pretty good run. Don’t most people breastfeed for about a year? Breastfeeding nearly three years seemed completely unnecessary and a little strange. I was certain I’d be done by then.
A second pregnancy and tandem nursing
I got pregnant again when my daughter was 18 months old. We kept on nursing reasonably comfortably until the halfway point of my pregnancy when my supply dropped precipitously. We had just celebrated her second birthday, which meant that we had made it to the World Health Organization’s recommended minimum duration of breastfeeding. I would have been happy to stop. My daughter, on the other hand, would have been distraught. She really wanted to nurse, if only briefly, before falling asleep. As an exhausted pregnant mother and full-time graduate student, turning this part of our day together into a battle was not on my agenda. So we trudged on.
Breastfeeding through pregnancy is no easy task, and this chapter was the low point of our nursing relationship. I developed nursing aversion, and a visceral “get off me” feeling appeared every time she latched on. We were down to nursing once or twice a day for mere moments. I was nervous. What if the aversion never lifted? What if I felt it with the new baby?
Happily, all aversion lifted immediately when my younger daughter was born. The milk also came back with a vengeance. My toddler, who had finally begun to subsist on solid food, started nursing like a newborn again. Around the holidays, a week or so went by during which she ingested nothing but breastmilk and perhaps a few gingerbread cookies. I used to joke that I suddenly had a child who needed to nurse around the clock… and a newborn.
The preschool years
By about age 4, we had finally established the breastfeeding pattern of morning and night, a routine that my pre-kid self naively thought we would reach by a year old, if not sooner. Happily, I found that breastfeeding a 4 year old is much more enjoyable than breastfeeding a 2 year old. In my experience, a 4 year old has a pretty good ability to understand and cooperate when you say, “we can nurse at bedtime; right now you can have a snack instead.” With a 2 year old, nursing limits are much more likely to result in meltdowns. Of course, I was nursing both a 4 year old and a 2 year old by this point, so I had to learn how to breastfeed with boundaries, which in my case was a fancy way of saying that you have to stay on the go a lot, try not to let them get bored or they will want to nurse, and keep a bunch of juice boxes handy that you only give them when you are desperate to be left alone for just one minute. JUST ONE MINUTE.
The self-weaning years
Once my daughter turned 5, the breastfeeding club started to feel a bit lonelier. Many of my friends who breastfed until self-weaning or close were done by the time their children were 3 or 4. Here we were still going strong. Thankfully I had support from a small number of friends who I knew only from online interactions who also nursed their older children. Together, we had gone through the triumphs and trials of nursing in public, figuring out tandem nursing, having people ask whether we are STILL breastfeeding, and then having people stop asking us that as our kids grew older and everyone assumed we had weaned.
Although I was happy to breastfeed my 5 year old, I also started to get a little concerned that weaning was not in sight. I had heard a few stories of mothers nursing until 7 or 8, and although I fully support those mothers, I knew that was not for me. I started to wonder whether we were “at risk” for that scenario. Then, like magic, one day my daughter fell asleep without nursing. Then she forgot again the next day. And the next. An entire week went by during which my daughter happily fell asleep without a mention of breastfeeding. I thought that might be the end. It turned out to be the beginning of the end. At the end of the week she asked again. As she approached her 6thbirthday, she regularly forgot to ask to nurse for about two to three weeks at a time. Occasionally she would ask, but I would suggest snuggling to sleep instead, and she accepted that. After the first day of first grade she really wanted to nurse again, so I obliged. She didn’t ask again for months. We nursed one final time later that fall. And then we were done.
I feel lucky to have been supported by a wonderful network of family, friends, and acquaintances who are very supportive of breastfeeding. I nursed in public for years when my kids were babies and toddlers, and never received a single negative comment from anyone. I even got several positive comments. I was never questioned about my breastfeeding relationship with my children. I know not all mamas have such a positive experience. Some are regularly hassled by family members and strangers about breastfeeding beyond infancy. In particular, a few frequently asked questions seem to top the list.
Is that normal?
Yes, breastfeeding past infancy and toddlerhood is biologically normal for humans. Anthropologist Kathy Dettwyler has calculated a natural age of weaning for humans by observing other species. For example, among non-human primates, weaning age corresponds loosely with the age of the first permanent molars appearing. For humans, that is around age 5.5-6. Other large mammals typically nurse their young until they have approximately quadrupled their birthweight. For humans, this tends to occur between 2.5 and 3.5 years. A series of similar calculations led Dettwyler to conclude that a natural age of weaning for humans is between 2.5-7 years.
Is that healthy?
Through some combination of luck and breastfeeding, my children never seem to get sick beyond the occasional sniffle. I know not every breastfeeding child is so lucky, but the immune-boosting benefits of breastfeeding do not come with an expiration date. Studies show that as children get older and the volume of breastmilk consumed decreases, the concentration of immune factors in breastmilk increases.
Can’t they just eat solid food?
This question demonstrates a lack of knowledge about the purpose of breastfeeding outside of its role as a source of calories. We adults sometimes eat meals purely for sustenance, but other times enjoy a long and leisurely meal to re-connect with a partner. Food not only sustain us physically; it is part of a bonding ritual. The same is true of breastfeeding. Babies and young toddlers may breastfeed in large part to fill up on food. For older children it’s more likely to be a way to re-connect with a familiar ritual after a day mother and child were both busy with other people and projects. It’s no longer a major source of calories.
Do we really need to see that?
Yes. We really need to see it. As Mama Bean Parenting writes,
“We need to see mothers breastfeeding in restaurants, subway stations, waiting rooms and local parks. We need to see mothers breastfeeding newborn babies, infants, toddlers and preschoolers. We need to see pictures of mothers breastfeeding on social media sites, news stands and billboards, as well as on TV shows and in films. We need to be so familiar with breastfeeding, with seeing it, talking about it and understanding it, that none of the scenarios above would raise a single eyebrow. Because if we continue to treat it as a secretive art form, reserved for private rooms and hushed conversations, it will remain a taboo. It will become lost in the passage of time; further misunderstood and out of reach for future mothers.”
Will my child ever wean?
Yes, rest assured that your child will wean. Every child eventually weans. You do not need to impose weaning on your child. Of course, many mothers choose to do so when they tire of breastfeeding before their children do. Mother-led weaning is certainly a valid choice. But so is child-led weaning. If you are feeling unsupported in your decision to continue to breastfeed, find a community of other mothers, in person or online, who have your back. You may not know it when you see us at the grocery store, the park, or at work, but we are out there.
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Thanks for sharing!
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yes! Thank you for sharing.
I think I would be labeled the weirdo if anyone in real life knew that I was still nursing my 3yo. He stopped for a couple of weeks around his birthday but is back to nursing very briefly before bed most nights.
There are lots of us “weirdos” out there doing the same. We’ve got your back! 😊❤️
Well written. Important for new mums to hear and wider community to grasp and accept.
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Thank you so much. Hearing stories like these helped me so much as a new mama, so I hope I can pay it forward.
Thanks so much, very informative. My nearly 4 year old son still nurses to sleep but has started going to sleep for other people which is fantastic. We are taking it really slow and I can imagine our breastfeeding peetering out likes yours did.
My youngest is also 4 and still breastfeeding, and this is where we are too. She will fall asleep for my husband or our au pair with no tears, but still wants to nurse at bedtime if she’s with me. It’s a nice place to be. 🙂
Thank you! I am still nursing my 4 year 5 month old twin boys for nights and naps and wonder if this magical “self-weaning” will ever happen. We co-sleep too and that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. I am gone at work all day and their need for reconnecting happens through nursing and co-sleeping. I just have to remember it’s normal even if other mothers don’t have this experience.
Yes, not at all unusual historically. Only in our culture. They WILL wean eventually. 🙂 My oldest went until just after 6. At 4 I don’t think I saw any end in sight either.
I always thought a child would eventually wean. My first did shortly after he turned four. My second just turned eight and never wants to stop. I am ready to stop just because I know no one nursing a child that old and because few people would even understand. But I don’t want to push him to wean before he is ready…I just feel like he may be that outlier who tuly doesn’t wean until he goes off to college! Thanks for the article, though.
I understand that. I fully support mothers who nurse until 8, 9, or 10, and I also understand that not everyone wants to be in that group. For my daughter, I would say that weaning was 90% child led. I did gently encourage it. I am guessing you have probably tried that with your son?
I nursed two kids to age 4.25 and 6.5. My 6.5 year old was a month into first grade. 4.25 years was tandem. I actually really wanted to tandem and I think it deeply benefited their relationship. Of course, tandem meant that big nurslings gets newborn milk and a renewed interest. My son literally gained at the same rate as his newborn sister. You know all of this, of course, because I’m one of those Internet friends whose shared experiences helped with sanity.
You’re really brave to put this story out there. Not many people know how long I nursed my kiddos.
Thank you so much. You are the number one person I’m referring to when I mention online friends with shared experiences. It’s amazing how much it helps knowing just one other person is out there doing what you’re doing. ❤️
I am so amaze and happy to know your journey in breastfeeding😍 Congratulations great job mommah👍🏻👏🏻 I am more than inspired and glad to know that in other countries like yours for example don’t really mind breastfeeding in public like parks or malls because there are still those who raise theirs eyebrows and give a face when someone breastfeed in public. This is such an inspiration and I will follow this page of yours and share it with my co-breastfeeding moms. I am happily nursing a 26month old baby girl and no sige of weaning yet and that is totally fine with me and would be so much willibg to breastfeed her butil she wants to🤗
Thank you so much and way to go on 26 months! ❤
Than you very much for this article ❤
I'm lucky enough to have quite some real life longterm nursing friends. For me, that was essential to my path as a breastfeeding mother. I got to know them early on in my motherhood and after the first irritation about nursing toddlers, I realised quickly that it was what I wanted, too.
Now I'm on my way to tandem nurse (another thing that completely made sense to me after learning about it and that I very much wanted to do). And as you say, breastfeeding through pregnancy is no easy task. This fact alone came as a surprise to me because I never thought we would run into any issues – up until my pregnancy, we had never had any problems with nursing. But now it's pretty hard. Sometimes, I don't know why I'm carrying on, I wonder if it's self gratification and most of all, I'm scared that my issues will continue after the birth of our second. And with this topic, I lack the real life support because none of my friends tandem nurse. Like you, I have an online community, though and that helps. And right now, reading your experience was so helpful. So thank you again ❤
🥰 So lovely.
Ty so much for this. I am still nursing my 5 yr old at nite and there is no understanding or support for me, so reading your piece helps me feel validated, empowered, and encouraged. Loved the info about natural weaning age and first molars.
You’ve got me in tears here: looking for more info on breastfeeding long-term, me being a nursing mom of a 24months old toddler in a phase of self-doubt, trial-and-errors and not-so-satisfying talks with my partner on the matter…. but your words really touched me and I feel boosted! Thank you!
i loved this article!!!
i am breastfeeding my 4yo, i live in Japan, i have noone to talk to in person or online
(was wondering what happened to Llli forums. they helped me so much a few years ago)
i have very mixed feelings about weaning but your story is beautiful!
wish i could talk more with all the moms posting comments 🙂
I’m still nursing my son, who has been 3 for one week. I never planned to breastfeed when I was younger, and hoped to last a year when he was born. Now I’m so heartbroken at the thought of him weaning, while simultaneously being ready to stop at least once a week. I don’t know anyone that has nursed this long, and it isn’t a topic I bring up around those I know to be judgmental. He nurses before he falls asleep, though rarely to sleep anymore because he gets wiggly and I stop. Sometimes he nurses when he wakes up, usually at nap time if we’re home, and occasionally during the day. Those are all dwindling. I think of him signing for milk as a tiny thing and asking for mommy milk now, and I cry. I’m not ready. He isn’t either. I see 5 in the future, so far away, right? We’ll definitely be done by then. Except it isn’t that far away, and I didn’t see myself nursing a potty trained toddler either. I’m very thankful to read about other moms that have been in my shoes. To know I’m not crazy, and to know that it’ll be okay when he does stop. I’m trying to cherish every moment and cuddle now because I know I’ll blink and he’ll be grown.
It really does pass by in the blink of an eye in retrospect. My kids are now 9 and 7 and our breastfeeding days feel like a lifetime ago. It is definitely ok to continue and enjoy this time together as long as it lasts. ❤