How to take a shower in 12 easy steps: A guide for parents of young children

Does taking a shower while you’re responsible for the safety and well-being of one or more young children strike you as an insurmountable task? Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to starting your morning (but let’s face it, probably your afternoon) squeaky clean.

Step 1. Set your kids up with an activity and let them know you’ll be in the shower. Remind them that screaming is for emergencies and ask them not to scream if it isn’t an emergency.

Step 2. Get in the shower. Hear screaming.

Step 3. Jump out of the shower and go find the kids. One of them took the other one’s toy. Resolve the conflict and get back in the shower.

Step 4. Start lathering up.

Step 5. Hear crying. Turn off the water and listen. Hear silence. Keep listening. Nothing. Turns out it was phantom crying.

Step 6. Continue showering.

Step 7. Hear a loud crash. Call out to ask if the kids are ok. Silence.

Step 8. Turn off the water, step out of the shower and call the kids’ names again. No answer. Get out of the shower and go check on the kids. They are playing together peacefully without a care in the world.

Step 9. They notice you and ask for a snack.

Step 10. Return to the shower and quickly run through your regular routine.

Step 11. Open your eyes to find your toddler smearing toothpaste on the bathroom cabinets and getting ready to start painting with make-up. Redirect the toddler, put away the toothpaste and make-up, and make a mental note to wipe off cabinets.

Step 12. Step out of the shower to find that all of your kids have suddenly appeared in the bathroom to hang out with you while you try to get dressed.

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked a new parenting achievement: successful shower while the kids are awake. Don’t worry about that toothpaste on your pant leg. It’ll probably come out in the wash.